Patriotic News

October 24, 2006

2006-10-24T00:58:00.000-07:00

WingTV Teams Up With Patriotic News

Scott Makufka and Lisa Giuliani, along with Patriotic News, have combined their services. WingTV will now be called WoopdereitisTV. Amongst the many changes will be the subject matter discussed by Scott and Lisa, who will have even more people to attack in their articles, as well as a much wider audience, adding about two people to their already huge audience of an estimated ten people, totalling up to twelve people who tune into their shows and visit the website.

"It's like shooting at glass bottles in our line of work." Says Lisa Gewliani. "Except we have alot more bottles stacked up in a great big pyramid, since unlike us, most of the people in the truth movement stick together and collectively fight the New World Order instead of masquerading behind the faux claim that we're fighting 'evil' and defending 'good', despite the fact that, if anything, we're doing more harm than good for the movement."

Scott had this to say afterwards. "What in God's name are you talking about?"

J.A. Hatfield, after the merger, was quite pleased with the events. "Sure, WingTV gets alot of heat, but what news source doesn't? Granted, it isn't really news, just op ed pieces with about as much credibility as, say, if I dressed up a crack whore and a serial rapist and gave them their own show and website. But, c'mon, we all know Lisa and Scott... Er... Victor, are not a crack whore and a serial rapist. Far from it. And it's TOTALLY not a really creepy thing that he always wears that same black hat all the time, or that she uses the cheapest black hair dye that she can find. But beyond all of this, I certainly look forward to working with these fine young liberals. Woops, I mean patriots."

October 23, 2006

2006-10-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

President Bush Finds Link Between Obama and Osama

President Bush today in a public speech to a group of journalists and reporters extensively gave evidence that there was a definite link between Osama (aka. Usama, Ewsama, Wtfsama) Bin Laden, the terrorist mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks and international hide-and-go-seek champion for 2001 through 2006, and Barack Obama, the junior U.S. Senator from Illinois.

President Bush gave multiple pieces of evidence to back his argument that there is a link between these two men.

"First of all, they got dark skin, so that's a no brainer. Second, look at this: Osama. Obama. Osama. Obama. Look at their names! I mean, c'mon, if that ain't a link, I don't know what is." President Bush said today at the meeting.

Famous Free Republic user Killallthenegroes had this to say about President Bush's discussion on the Obama-Osama link: "I think I speak for all of the other Freepers when I say that although I don't totally agree with the name spelling thing, I do agree that since Obama is a minority, he should be charged as a terrorist."

In a related story, Barack Obama has pimp slapped Vice President Dick Cheney shortly following President Bush's speech.

Former President Lays The Smackdown On Current President

After yesterday's comments by former president George H.W. Bush on his father, President George W. Bush that he hates to think what life would be like for his son if the Democrats win the November 7 election, defeating the Republican stronghold in Congress, President Bush made comments on a television show in regards to that very comment.

"He shouldn't be speculating like this, because -- he should have called me ahead of time and I'd tell him they're not going to (win)," Bush told ABC "This Week" in an interview broadcast on Sunday.

After the show, his father confronted him on a microphone before attacking him with a clothesline. George H.W. Bush then took off his elbow pad, ran into the ropes, and hit the People's Elbow on his son.

No injuries were sustained, but George H.W. Bush had this to say about the confrontation: "I laid the smackdown on my son's roodypoo candy *** because he should know that he should respect his elders. DO YOU SMELLLLLALALALALAOW! WHAT THE BUSH.............. IS COOKIN'?"

Soccer Star Ronaldo On Racism

Uh, I don't really have much of an article about this one. Ronaldo Luis Nazário de Lima is racist as crap, man.

October 10, 2006

2006-10-09T23:05:00.000-07:00

Nuns Take Up Arms, Televangelists Board Up Churches

In downtown Garden Grove, California today, sisters at the Christ Our Savior Cathedral took up arms and began firing shots into the Crystal Cathedral. There were no deaths and no injuries, but many of the staff members at the Crystal Cathedral were reportedly shaken up after the sudden onslaught of nuns' bullets.

"We have no idea what happened or why these Catholics began shooting at the cathedral!" Robert H. Schuller, pastor at the Crystal Cathedral said. "You never know about these religious extremists. I mean, using one's religion to cause violence, that's terrible, that's shameful, and that's an abomination against everything God stands for." Mr. Schuller also says that the church's weekly televised fund raisers will not be affected and will continue as usual.

When pressed to answer as to why the sisters would shoot at the Crystal Cathedral, Reverend J. Michael McKiernan of the Christ Our Savior Cathedral had little to say. "Nuns will be nuns! Especially nuns with guns!"

Bush Reads Necronomicon, Summons Cthulhu Fhtagn With Cheney, Rumsfeld

President George W. Bush today at his ranch in Crawford, Texas read an ancient text known as the "Necronomicon" and, after many hours of attempts and failures, finally succeeded in summoning Cthulhu from the depths of the ocean with Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Cthulhu is reported to be quite happy living on the ranch, while PETA is taking close watch at the incident to make sure that President Bush fulfills his new duties as caretaker of Cthulhu.

"Well, we were reading [Necronomicon] and we, meh, tried a few times to summon Cthulhu. Eventually we did, meh. I was surprised. I'a Dagon! Meh!" Cheney said. Rumsfeld was strangely quiet about the whole incident, sitting in the corner of the room, wearing a black hooded robe and rubbing his hands together.

"I knew that Rumsfeld was there when they crucified Jesus." President Bush said while feeding Cthulhu a dead Iraqi teenage boy imported from Guantanamo Bay. "But I had no idea he had what it took to summon an ancient deity! Heck, and here I thought Cthulhu didn't exist, kinda like the Easter Bunny, but not Santa Claus, 'cause everybody knows Santa exists. Dad can't fool me, heh heh." When asked how he got a copy of the Necronomicon, President Bush stated: "I think Rumsfeld gave it to me. Or I read about it in the Bible, maybe. Yeah, I read about it in the Bible, probably that Galaxians book in the Old Testaments."