October 10, 2006
In downtown Garden Grove, California today, sisters at the Christ Our Savior Cathedral took up arms and began firing shots into the Crystal Cathedral. There were no deaths and no injuries, but many of the staff members at the Crystal Cathedral were reportedly shaken up after the sudden onslaught of nuns' bullets.
"We have no idea what happened or why these Catholics began shooting at the cathedral!" Robert H. Schuller, pastor at the Crystal Cathedral said. "You never know about these religious extremists. I mean, using one's religion to cause violence, that's terrible, that's shameful, and that's an abomination against everything God stands for." Mr. Schuller also says that the church's weekly televised fund raisers will not be affected and will continue as usual.
When pressed to answer as to why the sisters would shoot at the Crystal Cathedral, Reverend J. Michael McKiernan of the Christ Our Savior Cathedral had little to say. "Nuns will be nuns! Especially nuns with guns!"
President George W. Bush today at his ranch in Crawford, Texas read an ancient text known as the "Necronomicon" and, after many hours of attempts and failures, finally succeeded in summoning Cthulhu from the depths of the ocean with Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Cthulhu is reported to be quite happy living on the ranch, while PETA is taking close watch at the incident to make sure that President Bush fulfills his new duties as caretaker of Cthulhu.
"Well, we were reading [Necronomicon] and we, meh, tried a few times to summon Cthulhu. Eventually we did, meh. I was surprised. I'a Dagon! Meh!" Cheney said. Rumsfeld was strangely quiet about the whole incident, sitting in the corner of the room, wearing a black hooded robe and rubbing his hands together.
"I knew that Rumsfeld was there when they crucified Jesus." President Bush said while feeding Cthulhu a dead Iraqi teenage boy imported from Guantanamo Bay. "But I had no idea he had what it took to summon an ancient deity! Heck, and here I thought Cthulhu didn't exist, kinda like the Easter Bunny, but not Santa Claus, 'cause everybody knows Santa exists. Dad can't fool me, heh heh." When asked how he got a copy of the Necronomicon, President Bush stated: "I think Rumsfeld gave it to me. Or I read about it in the Bible, maybe. Yeah, I read about it in the Bible, probably that Galaxians book in the Old Testaments."
